When I finally plucked up the courage to end my marriage, a relationship of more than 30 years of domestic abuse, I had a glimmer of hope it would all be over soon.
I thought help was out there.
I thought I could get on with my life.
I was wrong.
I never realised how screwed up the legal system was. How those that you are told are there to help and protect you actually aren’t.
I never realised that four years later, having had to leave my children and my home because I was pushed to suicide because of the abuse, after going through yet another bloody court case and CAFCASS reports and this and that and every bloody thing else ‘the system’ wanted me to do or hoop they wanted me to jump through, so I could get a child arrangements order to be able to see my children and stop him alienating any more of them from me…. well, I never realised it would still be going on.
And I never realised that he was fully enabled to by all those supposed to protect us.
For those that ask why women don’t leave, here is why.
Because the abuse simply does not end.
In fact, it gets worse.
Hell, if they used the kids before to control you, they sure as f*ck aren’t going to stop now! And the more they get away with it, the more they’ll do.
It never ends.
And I will say this time and time and time again, that fat, evil bastard will not stop until he has taken anything I have left and pushes me over the edge at last.
And he will have got away with it all.
That is sickening.
The system does not work for us.
ABUSE NEVER ENDS.
And the help, protection and support we need is not there.
Here is how they continue to manipulate, control and take away any power you may have, any life you may be trying to build, any rights to reclaiming yourself.
This is how much they hate not having control over you and what you do and don’t do.
Look out for him adding a copyright sign to his emails so I can’t reproduce or share their content. You have to laugh, don’t you?
THIS IS THE TYPICAL TACTIC BULLIES AND ABUSERS USE!
Your silence is what keeps them going.
They don’t care that they abuse you.
They only care about being found out that they abuse you.
They don’t care that they are abusers.
They only care about being found out that they are abusers.
This is how they do it:
From: Tania Kacamer
To: michael sullivan
Subject: Half term arrangementsPlease can you confirm the dates I will be having the children during half term?
michael sullivan <xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx@hotmail.com> wrote:
11-15 April
From: Tania Kacamer
To: michael sullivan
Subject: Re: Half term arrangementsI’ll collect them at 10 if you can then pick them up on your way past as you drive home from work
michael sullivan <xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx@hotmail.com> wrote:
You’re supposed to have them until 7
From: Tania Kacamer
To: michael sullivan
Subject: Re: Half term arrangementsI have to work
michael sullivan <xxxxxxxxxxxx@hotmail.com> wrote:
You’ll have to change it
From: Tania Kacamer >
To: michael sullivan
Subject: Re: Half term arrangementsYou can collect them on your way home or at 7. Whichever is easiest for you.
michael sullivan <xxxxxxxxxxxxxx@hotmail.com> wrote:
No you can bring them back at 7From: Tania Kacamer
To: michael sullivan
Subject: Re: Half term arrangementsYou’re driving straight past here on your way home from work. It’s not unreasonable to ask you to pick them up on your way through as I have to work in the evenings. I have given you the choice to collect them on your way home to make it easier for you, or at 7 if that’s what you prefer. Let me know which.
michael sullivan <xxxxxxxxxx@hotmail.com> wrote:
I drive past at 4.30
You have to have them until 7.
You’ve had 3 months notice to rearrange stuff so you can bring them home at the proper time
From: Tania Kacamer
To: michael sullivan
Subject: Re: Half term arrangementsSo I guess I will only get to see them until 4.30. You can collect them on your way home.
michael sullivan <xxxxxxxxxx@hotmail.com> wrote:
Or overnight itss up to you
From: Tania Kacamer
To: michael sullivan
Subject: Re: Half term arrangementsYou know I can’t have them overnight.
On 31 Mar 2022, at 10:16, michael sullivan <xxxxxxxx0@hotmail.com> wrote:
Then do the times that you agreed to
From: Tania Kacamer
To: michael sullivan
Subject: Re: Half term arrangementsI also said they could stay until 7 and you could pick them up then. I only suggested you do so on your way home from work as it makes it easier for you. However, I cannot drive them back due to work.
On 31 Mar 2022, at 10:26, michael sullivan <xxxxxxxxxx@hotmail.com> wrote:
I don’t care about your work
You’ve had 3 months to accommodate what you agreed to in court
I have things I need to do so I will not be picking anyone up
You can bring them at 7
From: Tania Kacamer
To: michael sullivan
Subject: Re: Half term arrangementsI can’t bring them back. Please can you confirm what time suits you better to collect them. 7 is fine, your way home at 4.30 was only offered to make it easier for you and save you two journeys, as you pass directly straight by us in Maidstone on your way home from Staplehurst to Hoo anyway. Let me know which is easier for you and I’ll make sure they’re ready.
On 31 Mar 2022, at 10:32, michael sullivan <xxxxxxxxx@hotmail.com> wrote:
I’m not getting anyone
From: Tania Kacamer
To: michael sullivan
Subject: Re: Half term arrangementsBut if you don’t help by stopping off and collecting them on your way back from work won’t be able to have them
On 31 Mar 2022, at 10:37, michael sullivan <xxxxxxxxxxxx@hotmail.com> wrote:
Then I’ll let the court know that you aren’t doing what you’re supposed to.
You only volunteer so I can’t see why you can’t rearrange
From: Tania Kacamer
To: michael sullivan
Subject: Re: Half term arrangementsThe court will see I’ve not refused to have them. I’m asking you to collect them on your way home from work as I can’t bring them back. You know if you refuse to be reasonable and stop off on your home when you drive right past here – it doesn’t even take you out of your way – then I can’t see them.
On 31 Mar 2022, at 10:52, michael sullivan <xxxxxxxxxxx@hotmail.com> wrote:
They will also see that I haven’t stopped you
They will see that you are more interested in what you want to do rather than see your children
You have had three months to sort this out yet you leave it to the last minute and try and make out I’m the one making the trouble
I have things to do so you can rearrange your “work”From: Tania Kacamer
To: michael sullivan
Subject: Re: Half term arrangementsI can collect them that week but cannot drop them off. You know I can’t have them overnight. You can collect them on your way through from work and refuse to, knowing I won’t be able to see them unless you do. I’ve offered to let you collect them at 4.30 on your usual journey home or at 7, the time I’m supposed to have them until. I am trying to find a compromise to suit you, that works around you and your existing journey.
I’ve already cancelled two days of work but, as the judge clearly told you, I don’t need to tell you what I am doing. “You don’t need to know” we’re his words.
You are aware that if you refuse to collect the children on your way home as you drive past our doorstep, I cannot bring them back. You are aware I cannot have them overnight. You are aware that if you refuse to compromise and collect them I cannot see them at all.
Is your refusal to cooperate with collecting them, knowing it makes things difficult for me, so you can prevent me from seeing the children and making it look like it’s my fault?
You are still the controller, hey?
To summarise: If you don’t help by collecting them, I won’t be able to see them.
Let me know what you want to do.
On 31 Mar 2022, at 11:10, michael sullivan <xxxxxxxxxxx@hotmail.com> wrote:
You’re still full of it
You’ve had god knows how many holidays since you abandoned your children and yet the time you ate supposed to see them you want to cut it short.
I couldn’t care less what you call work because I have absolutely zero reliance on you.
You’ve had 3 months to sort stuff out so do what you want
I’m not getting anyone
From: Tania Kacamer
Subject: Re: Half term arrangements
To: michael sullivan <xxxxxxxxxx@hotmail.com>Ok then you know I can’t see them
On 31 Mar 2022, at 11:40, michael sullivan <sullivanjc2000@hotmail.com> wrote:
I don’t they care to be honest
From: Tania Kacamer
To: michael sullivan
Subject: Re: Half term arrangementsPardon?
On 31 Mar 2022, at 11:43, michael sullivan <xxxxxxxxxx@hotmail.com> wrote:
I said they probably won’t care
From: Tania Kacamer
Sent: Sunday, April 3, 2022 8:37:31 AM
To: michael sullivan
Subject: Re: Half term arrangementsThey do care.
There is nothing in the court agreement that states I have sole responsibility of collecting and returning the children. That is our responsibility to fulfil between us to ensure the children get to see us.
Just as I drive the children to you and collected them from you when you were unable to do so, you should be prepared to do the same. I have no issue with collecting and returning them the majority of the time but am unable to drive them back to you during weekdays.
I have asked whether you prefer to pick them from here either on your way home from work as you drive directly past at 4.30 or at 7 – whichever you prefer and the choice is yours and whatever is easiest for you.
You are fully aware that if you do not pick them up the children will not be able to see me for the week they are supposed to.
Please will you agree to collect them?
From: michael sullivan <xxxxxxxx@hotmail.com>
To: Tania Kacamer
Subject: Re: Half term arrangementsNo
© copyright
michael sullivan <xxxxxxxxxx@hotmail.com> wrote:
You had 3 months to arrange everything and you didn’t
They will be missing out on over a days worth of time if I pick them up© copyright
From: Tania Kacamer
To: michael sullivan
Subject: Re: Half term arrangementsOr you had time to arrange collecting and dropping off arrangements instead of assuming I could continue to do both.
Please collect them either at 4.30 on your way home or at 7 so that they can see me. You have full control. If you do not collect them they cannot see me.
What’s the copyright thing for?
michael sullivan <xxxxxxxxxx@hotmail.com> wrote:
I’m not going to keep going round in circles
You are responsible for getting them and bringing them back, not me.
Let me know what you’re doing because I’ll have to make other arrangements for everyone© copyright
Tania Kacamer <
Sun, 3 Apr, 09:19 (2 days ago)to michael
I’m not solely responsible for how they get here and back. It’s a matter for us as the parents to resolve together for the children.
I want to see the children. They want to see me. We can only do that if you collect them. Any time that suits you is ok with us whether it’s 4.30 on your way past or at 7.
You do realise that adding “copyright” doesn’t mean it can’t be quoted, published or passed onto others, right?
Such an awful situation to be in. He isn’t behaving like a ‘devoted Catholic’ is he? I just saw the TV programme on YouTube about your lovely family and wanted to reach out to you even though I know it’s from quite some time ago.
I only have 5 children myself (and many miscarriages) but my former abuser and controller alienated my younger daughter from me in 2016 and I have never seen her since. She was 14 at the time and is low down on the autistic spectrum. The day she went missing, she had been messing about at the front of the house saying she was trying to get a phone signal. We thought she was just copying her older siblings as nobody ever called her but us. After a short while we wondered where she was and so my partner ran all over the village looking for her. (She’s gullible and very easily led. We were concerned she may have got in a car with a stranger) So I messaged my ex and said “My Mini Me has gone missing, please let me know if you hear from her”. A few minutes later my phone gave a text incoming beep so I grabbed it quickly, hoping it was her, only to see his name and upon opening the text “Mini is with me, possession is 9/10ths of the law”. My blood ran cold. I tried to ring him…voicemail. I tried to ring her…after several rings it would cut off. I collapsed and had a panic attack. I’d never had one before and thought I was having a heart attack as I had pains in my chest and down my left arm. I saw a solicitor at the time who said “she will be back in a few weeks” but I knew she wouldn’t, as I knew he would manipulate her as he had done me for many years. I couldn’t afford to use a solicitor for the family court yet he turned up with one who said many lies about us. CAFCASS came to my home and debunked his BS but I still never saw her. The judge said my daughter could do as she pleased regarding which parent she lived with, yet he made an order that two of my other children which were the evil ones kids had to visit him every fortnight. My older daughter used to go, then walk off and ring us to pick her up whilst my son who was 13 at the time and who loved his Dad, continued to visit. I’d at least get to hear about my younger daughter although she became spoilt and unpleasant to the siblings she was once so close to. One Sunday my son came home very upset. He’d wanted to come home in a pair of trainers his dad bought but was told “No, they stay here”. He was ever so upset that in his dads car on the way back (along with the new girlfriend who I suspect this show of being fatherly was to impress) his Dad was bullying him into living with him, telling him he could have loads of new stuff like Mini if he moved in with them. They even parked up away from my home whilst trying to talk him into it. When he got home it was evident something was wrong and he said he was trapped in the car with them saying evil stuff about me. He decided to never see his dad again and he hasn’t. He’s now 19, my mini me will be 20 and my older daughter, still at home with us is 21. (I have 2 older boys). My older daughter saw on Facebook that mini me has passed her driving test now. I’m happy for her. I hope to see her one day but I doubt it, and even if I do, she’s not the adorable mini me that she was. My heart broke when she went and it’s still fragmented. I miss her desperately but it’s awful being under his control and I don’t want her to be punished if I reach out to her where I think she works. It’s terribly sad.
I’m not a churchgoer but your husband will be judged on his behaviour. He’s obviously angry that you had the courage to leave him. My ex thought by keeping me pregnant that I wasn’t going anywhere and he was angry too when I had him forcibly removed by the police. Taking our daughter was a vengeful act.
Your husband will go to hell for what he is doing to you. You’re in my thoughts.
/ Gena F
Oh Gena, I am so very sorry to hear that you’ve been through such a devastating trauma too. People keep saying my children will realise what he’s like and what he’s done to us all one day, but that day is so hard see ever coming.
For the record, the religion thing was very much false. He wanted to give the doting father image. He loved people shaking his hand, congratulating him on his beautiful family and his wife and what a credit he was. He waxed lyrical about God and the devil and religion to me and the kids to the point I ended up ripping up the bibles and smashing his little icon dolls (which he tried blutacking back together). We would go to church dutifully each week where he’d get the praise, shake hands and take communion. Then we came home and doors closed. He’d be calling the kids little bastards and little cunts. He would use his body to prevent me leaving rooms or getting past him. We’d all go off to bed and he’d sit there saying he was watching Cathlic TV or Father Corapi or whatever, but would switch over to the porn channels and wank off on the sofa and exchange sexts and dirty photos with other women.
But as long as his public image was intact, hey?
I think that’s pretty much par for the course for these abusers though. The public image. Not the real them. And woe betide you ever speak up about how they really are.