Last week was a paradox of sorts – indifferently quiet on the pregnancy front yet frantically busy in every other aspect. Intentions to update this diary were delayed hourly at first, followed by the promise of tomorrow. As you can tell, tomorrow never came… well, until today that is, and so the update has – for this week at least- reestablished itself as a fortnightly update rather than the planned weekly one.
As already stated, the pregnancy itself has been quiet. There is nothing much to report. No movements to excitedly announce and no attempts by the midwife to listen in on the heartbeat. My own doppler remains in its spot, waiting for a new supply of conductive gel – the previous full tube having forced its lid off creating a sticky, gummy mess on everything within its reach.
The booking-in appointment was finally carried out last week, taking oh-so-very-long even with my pre-printed obstetric history ready to insert and staple into the relevant sections of the maternity notes. This history, containing the details of all previous births and losses, including names, dates and weights of birth, labour details and delivery methods, spans five pages. It was a moment of mirth when we realised that some of my essay requirements were shorter than this alone.
Rather than leaving me to glow in the mid-pregnancy honeymoon, this stage instead makes me feel uncomfortable. Without the much maligned yet reassuring presence of morning sickness and nausea of the early weeks indicating raging, rising hormones, and the absense of the heartening kicks and rolls creating a tsunami-like effect across my belly of the later weeks, this peaceful, easy episode of the pregnancy journey is eerily quiet in comparison to the rest. The recurring rawness of previous losses remains at the forefront of my thoughts and much as I try to reassure myself that all is well, the fear which remains – the residual vestiges of the tracks we walked so very many times before – lies constantly with me. I never truly relax until the moment the baby is delivered safely into my arms. Roll on February – only four more months to go!