When we talk about the big life events like weddings and birthdays, they tend to be surrounded with positivity, but with all of those things, there are those underlying stresses. Of course, with something like death, it’s one of the most stressful things that we can go through; it affects our mind, body, and soul, and we can all remember a time when there was the death of a close family member or a pet. Maybe when we were a child, there were a few abstract memories that come back to us, perhaps a parent crying, but we may have been too young to truly feel what was going on, or we asked a loaded question that invariably upset someone, and we were told not to talk about it.
The problem is that we all avoid death in our own way, and the most difficult thing as a parent is to deal with this topic. There are so many reasons why we avoid it, either because of our own issues or we view death as something that’s completely off topic that we should avoid discussing at all costs, but this is why we need to learn how to start the discussion around death and make sure it is done appropriately.
Here’s a few things to consider on the subject when it comes to talking with our children:
Should We Even Discuss Death With Children?
The answer is that actually, we should be discussing this topic with children. Expert opinions support talking about death, but in the right ways. We should support open communication with our children about this even from a young age, for a number of reasons; it helps children process and understand death as a part of life, and this is something that we all need to come to terms with. But we also need to remember that if we discuss the topic openly, it will actually reduce the anxiety and confusion that children may experience, particularly when they sense something is wrong but they’re not being told what is going on.
It is one of those things that we think children should be protected from, but the fact is that if we approach this subject from the perspective of a protective parent, we are inadvertently stunting their emotional growth. Speaking to our children about death can help our children develop an emotional vocabulary but also give them coping skills for not just future experiences with death but also the subject of loss. So many of us find it a major shock to the system when we don’t have something go our way, but those knockbacks, generally speaking, are a part of life.
We have to remember that children have a natural curiosity, particularly about death, so if we address this, it can go a long way to alleviate fears and misconceptions, but also, as parents, talking about it honestly can strengthen the trust between us and our kids.
What’s the Best Way to Deal With the Topic?
The fact is that if we are dealing with this topic, it does give us all a better understanding of the concept of loss. It’s very useful to think about this topic, particularly if you have pets as well as relatives who may be at the beginning stages of age-related cognitive decline or even diseases. One of the big mistakes people make is using euphemisms, for example, “grandpa is going to sleep” – we should explain the situation as early as possible and truthfully.
We can find ourselves going through our own grieving stages if it’s someone we are really close to, but we should never wait until the last moment to discuss what is happening. It’s vital to be age-appropriate, of course, but we also need to describe changes that our children may see, particularly if a grandparent is in and out of the hospital or their behaviour changes as the illness progresses.
We have to remember that children are going to have very specific memories, not just of the relative but of the situation, and we should involve them in the process if it is appropriate. We have to give our children a sense of connection and purpose, particularly if we are undergoing the practice of preparing for someone’s death. Memory-making activities, in particular, are an excellent way to help everybody process the inevitable. There are resources such as Memorials.com that could be very useful to solidify the idea of death rather than avoiding it altogether.
What we also need to remember is that when children are being exposed to the topic of death when they’re so young, they may worry that they or other family members will die soon too. This is why we have to explain that most people will die when they’re very old and that they are not responsible for the illness or anything like this. The stress that children can undergo when they hear about death for the first time can mean that they worry they will die and everybody else close to them will. This is why we need to focus hard on that sense of security as it is an uncertain time.
We should remember that death is part of the life cycle, and perhaps using examples from nature to explain the concept can give them insight into the life cycle. It’s also vital to remember that the goal is to help children understand and cope in a way that is honest, supportive, and appropriate for their age and their developmental stages.
How Do We Avoid Projecting Our Own Feelings About Death Onto Our Children?
We all have our own opinions and perceptions of death, and we may very well have had a pet that passed away when we were younger and went through so much pain that we wouldn’t dare feel that it’s right to put anybody else through that. The problem in doing this is that we delay the inevitable, and we don’t want to hurt our children, but we also need to remember that we can very easily project our own feelings about everything onto our kids, particularly death.
We should, when speaking to our children, listen without assumptions and allow them to express their feelings and thoughts without us imposing our own interpretations of death. When we are discussing it with them, we should, as already stated, avoid euphemisms that could confuse children, but also, if we do use euphemisms, this reflects our own discomfort with the topic, so we should be clear and be age-appropriate. There’s a handy guide on PoppysFunerals.co.uk to help you out with this.
Age-appropriate information is crucial, but we also need to focus on what the child wants to know rather than what we think they should know. That honesty is so important because it doesn’t just build that communication we should have with our children, but it gives us the opportunity to stay present with our child’s experience of the situation rather than getting caught up in our own emotions. We always have to remember that children will express things in their own way, and we may think that there’s an appropriate way to do it, but these are our own in-built mechanisms. There could be many fathers who think that it’s weak to show signs of emotion, but the concept of honesty is so important in life and even more so when we’re discussing death.
We should offer our children a variety of ways to express their feelings without insisting on any particular method that we think is good for us.
How Can We Help Our Children Cope With Grief?
Part of the reason we all delay talking about it is because it’s so tough to see our children experience grief. Helping anybody cope with this can be hard, but there are a number of great strategies that we can draw from. In addition to age-appropriate language and listening attentively while creating a safe space for them to express their feelings, we should focus on maintaining routines and boundaries, as this can provide stability and consistency.
It can be very easy to say that “life goes on,” but when we are experiencing grief, routine and structure can give us a greater sense of focus while also offering creative outlets for expression, for example, making memory boxes, journalling, or drawing. There are fantastic age-appropriate books about grief that can help children to understand their emotions better and could be very useful alongside encouraging methods for children to process their grief, such as play.
Understanding the stages of grief could be very useful, as it gives us an idea of what we can expect throughout the grieving stages. There’s no particular order to the phases of grief, apart from the first and the last, which is firstly shock and finally acceptance, but we also need to remember that if we see any signs of prolonged distress, we should seek professional help if necessary. Our children may revisit their grief at different developmental stages of their life as well, but it’s so important to remember that actually, our children will have to experience this at some point. While it can be the topic we all dread, or indeed the moment we all dread, we have to accept the fact that it’s part of life and should be something that we discuss.