One golden rule I have tried to stick to throughout this website’s life is not to divulge any information that I’m not happy for the world to know.
So when there was a nasty answer-phone message from my mother-in-law a few days ago accusing me of writing nasty things on the internet I was surprised.
I mean, I try to respect the privacy of others – especially family – and particularly have steered clear of any issues which might cause upset to others, despite how relevant they are to me myself.
For example, I have never mentioned on here how Mike’s family have continuously insulted and mocked me for not being English. Every visit or meeting would involve several comments about how I come from a third world country, how Greeks are lazy and stupid, how I don’t have a real religion and how I’m a pagan, and how I should go back to my own country.
Even when we went to Disneyland my mother-in-law called Cait (yes, that’s Cait as in my own daughter), aside when the three of us stopped at the petrol station in France. ’You know the problem with this place, don’t you?’, she asked Cait.
‘It’s all these…’ then she paused, looked at me and narrowed her eyes and stressed the word, ‘…foreigners.‘
Apparently, it is ‘banter’.
Every time they see me. For twenty-odd years.
Now this could have been a useful catalyst and example for discussing issues of racism – but I have never mentioned it. So she couldn’t have been annoyed about this. (Edit for those who don’t know: my mum is Turkish and dad is Greek).
I could have mentioned how another member of their family – Mike’s brother, actually – tried making us illegally homeless – all in the name of protecting his then-quite-popular name from any negativity in the newspapers. This went on for two years, resulting in the break-up of our relationship, and two years of depression for me culminating in a breakdown and, on my children and I becoming homeless, a suicide attempt.
Now this could be useful in discussing with my however-many-thousand subscribers about how depression and despair can affect any of us. It could be a good way of making them know that someone does understand and, to see how I felt from the very depths of despair and darkness, we did recover everything and more and my life was worth living after all, despite how I didn’t feel it back then. (Edit: This was between the years of 2000 and 2002. My suicide attempt was in March 2002. We have had nothing to do with this family member since. Not only must the family have been annoyed that my attempt was unsuccessful, it must have really annoyed them when Mike and I decided to marry two months later).
But I have never mentioned that. So she couldn’t have been annoyed about that either.
Or, I could have mentioned how, only a few months ago, she tried to convince Mike that my children are better off without me. How he is ‘too close to see it. But I see their hearts. And they’re miserable cos of her!’, she shouted, whilst the children and I were in her front room listening to every word. She continued to reassure him that getting rid of me would be okay, ‘The Sullivans - your family – want to help you!’. I did leave for a few days. I thought about shutting down this site and not going back. I text her to say that my family was now all hers and that the stupid little foreigner had finally left and to round up the Sullivans. She immediately rang Mike to offer to go around.
Needless to say, I did go home and we did struggle through it and me, Mike and our family, that is our family, are fine and strong. But in my eyes, at that point, enough became enough. But it would have been a good story to share to reassure others that you can still have a good, strong relationship despite other peoples vindictiveness and spite – no matter how closely related they are.
Still, I never mentioned it here. So that can’t have been what she was annoyed about.
It turned out that she was annoyed about this post!
You see, she was mad that I wrote that Mike ate meals not around the table but on their laps. She told him I had called him a ‘lap boy’ and, pointed out that he didn’t always eat from his lap but did used to sit in his highchair. (Edit: During this phone message where she accused me of writing nasty things about her, she also demanded we return to her the money Mike’s dad had left him when he died. She’ll be getting that asap.)
So there you are – I must apologise.
Please note that Mike did used to eat at his highchair tray and not only from his lap, as this deeply offended my mother-in-law and, in an effort to correct this nasty thing I wrote, I need you to know this.
Now, what does puzzle me is that my mother-in-law is not online herself, so she would have been relayed any and all information that someone could possibly glean from my writing this blog. Obviously, as happens with Chinese Whispers (damn foreigners again, I’d imagine they’d say), this person who is running back to retell the contents is elaborating and exaggerating in order to, well to do what I’m not sure.
To make trouble?
To create problems?
Possibly, maybe, perhaps.
I’d suggest to this person that they go about trying to fill their own lonely life rather than trying to stir up trouble. But as, no doubt, you will run back to update the EMIL (evil-mother-in-law – I mean, what they hey, I’ve no reason to pretend all is fine and dandy now!), I’ve decided to make things easier for you. Just click on this link for a printable version you can run off and take over in minutes!
Enjoy your stirring!
Oh, and by the way, you might like to know that I can see who you are by my stats tracking 
.
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And I thought mine was bad!
Well done for standing up for yourself. I’m exceptionally proud to know such a brave and lovely woman!
xxx
Aah, thank you. You’re right, standing up for myself is long overdue. But thanks for the kind words
I thought I had the worst in laws in the world but clearly you do. The EMIL sounds truly evil-You must have the thickest skin to put up with that lot!
I’d really much rather not have won that competition! I’m sorry you have difficult in-laws too. It’s not nice.
Sometimes i wonder if its better having a mother that just doesnt speak to me. I can only imagine what shed say if she knew she had two grandchildren. I could certainly never ever let the kidsnstay the night. Indeed, perhaps having no mother anymore is better.
Good on you for standing up for yourself. I gave up keeping the peace in my own extended family, i try to bite my tongue around my father in law and brothers in law but thats about it, and even then, id never keep quiet about the issues you have. Im greatful that my relationship with mil has improved in recent years at least, but i know that feeling of the in laws ensuring that you know youredifferent to them. I will never be their daughter. I am grateful that my father and grandparents have at least adopted my husband as a son to them, and i know what that means to them, because i watched my mothers parents stand by my father during the divorce.
They dont deserve the courtesy you have extended to them. My father ceased contact with his parents years ago under similar circumstances.
I hope mike is coping with itall. As hard as it is for you it must be harder on him, because theyre still his parents
I might be overstepping my bounds here and i dont know the full situation,but i feel like i have to say this, and im saying this to mike, because to say it to you would be causing discontent for you, and disrespect of him.
My husband is a very shy man, but if my in laws began tellling him hs should be rid of me, i really believe he would make quite clear wht he thought and leave the room.why were you still there listening for her to reassure you, it allowedher to think you were cosidering her words and encouraged her tangent. I tollerated years ofbeing picked on because some of my theological ideas (note, not religion, we areall christians, just theologyl like wheter the earth was created in a literal seven days or seven stages across thusands of years) are different to my in laws, but my husband at one point told them to back off, that i had a right to my beliefs, and no longer stays quiet when remarks are made. As a result, theyknow its not acceptable and usually bite their tongue, aside from one brother. When their child allows it, in laws will continue,but if the child makes a stand, they usually get the pointretty quick. I donn know the situation but it sounds like youre not doing a lot of standing up. It needs to be their child who corrects them, not their in law. At least thats the only way we have gotten any effective change in our families. Dontbe afraid, if it gets that bad, to just walk out. They will eiter learn quickly that you wont tollerate it anymore, or youll know they dont really care and cannmake decisions based on that.
They knew they were upsetting me. A suicide attempt kind of gets that message across.
When we returned from Disney during which time she had constantly insulted and jibed me, leaving me in tears, his mum sidled up to me before leaving and told me ‘And *you* need to calm down’. They are just plain nasty people.
Tania,
Clearly they are unpleasant people who, it appears, may have their own insecurities therefore put you down to make themselves feel better.
Some women cannot accept that their sons become men and find another important woman to share their lives with. Rather than be happy that their son is happy and settled, they feel threatened. I speak from experience….
I think that as a mother, it is our role to love and support our children and even if, for whatever reason, we dont always agree with their choices, we do our very best to give them out blessing. Your MIL should be proud of her family, and that includes you. The fact that she can be so nasty to you despite knowing you make her son happy…well clearly she reads from a different definition of ‘mother’ than I do.
Good for you on defending yourself and speaking your mind. You have an amazing family and it is her loss that she wont be part of it.
Love
Kelly x
Tania first of all you are inspiration. Full stop. To me at least. I had wrongly presumed that alongside having a wonderful bunch of kids, you and your husband had a close knit family supporting you too. How wrong I was. To achieve the level of personal success you and Mike have is a credit. I too have recently said “enough is enough to my in-laws” and had to comment when I read the phrase “and you need to calm down”. This was said to me too!!!! This took place while recovering from a birth and PND from last birth, my father was terminally ill my husband was at a mental health hospital following a breakdown. The reason i was so hysterical??? Because his parents wouldn’t leave work as they were packing to go on their foreign holiday the next day. And whilst away they never contacted he or I once. I realise there are people in life you suck the positives out of you and for whatever reason are never happy no matter what we do. Sadly my dad has since passed away and now my mum has cancer so we are in the ‘zero family support’ group too. But we’re together and the proud parents of the kids under 5.
Please keep going, don’t shut down the site and i’m excited to see the new documentary.
Emma x
I read this last night and it has been bothering me since. I can’t believe the narrow mindedness and bitch fest. You’re so much better than them – no wonder you don’t get on – it would be impossible, It’s not you. XXX
Go tania
good on u for standing up for ur self and your family hun not many would have the balls to put what you just did you dont need them in your life look what you have achieved despite all the crap uv been giving take my hat of to you darl xx